Nothing can prepare you to cope with the death of loved ones. There are no words that anyone can say that can take the pain away, and there is nothing anyone can do to fill the void. Thereโs now a huge gap in your life, and you will never be the same again. And thatโs OK.
Iโve been to more funerals than weddings in my lifetime. My parents, grandparents, and half-sister have all passed away, so I know grief well. There is never anything that anyone around you can do or say to you other than be there for you, so let them.
Through my grief of losing my loved ones, I have learned a few things along the way that may help you.
My Personal Experience Of Losing My Mum
Itโs been 9 years and 6 months since my mum died. It happened so suddenly. To this day, I still get fleeting memories from time to time of that fateful day. After doctor home visits, an ambulance late at night, trips to A&E, and doctor appointments, she was finally admitted to the hospital. She was ill, and though I lived with he,r I had no idea how sick she was until the ambulance came that night. The guilt of not realizing just how bad things were will never completely go away.
She passed away the next day. She had been doing well, but she had an undetected blood clot that traveled to her heart and caused a heart attack. I arrived as they were trying to save her.
For me, the enormity of my grief put me on autopilot, and it affected my mental state for a while. I coped as best I could, but I was not myself. I was just functioning and surviving, and just trying to be strong and hold it all together. My life was forever changed.
3 months later, my dad died, and then my grandfather 5 months after that. Huge patches of that period are a blur, but I learnt a few things along the way that have helped me deal with loss that I wanted to share.
Give Yourself Grace Each And Every Day
Be kind to yourself. Truly commit to kindness towards yourself. I had days where I didnโt want to get out of bed, or I just dreaded going to the supermarket where just the thought of seeing people I knew made me feel sick because theyโd inevitably ask โHow are you doingโ or โAre you okโ or theyโd say โIโm sorry for your lossโ. On other dayโs I could go out and be social.
And it’s OK. Tomorrow is another day. You will have good days and bad days, and over time, you will start to have more good days than bad days. Also, do things that make you feel you’re alive and bring you joy. Donโt feel guilty for having moments or doing things that your special someone can no longer enjoy. Remember that they wouldnโt be happy to see you stuck in a dark, sad memory lane state.
Set Small Personal Goals For Yourself
Life is hard, especially when you lose loved ones. So, hand in hand with being kind to yourself is setting small, achievable personal goals. On super bad days, it was sometimes as basic as today, my goals are to shower, dress, and cook a meal. On a better day, it was things like grocery shopping, having a decent day at work today, and seeing a friend.
Animals Can Help You Cope With the Death Of Loved Ones
One of the best, most positive, and impactful things that I did was get my fur baby Lily and her brother Tigger (sadly no longer with us). Having two fur babies to love and care for who completely rely on me as their โmomโ was the smartest decision that I made during my toughest time. Why? Because I can say with absolute certainty that there have been times when my cat Lily saved my life.
Lily and Tigger, when he was here, needed me to get up out of bed, to earn money to feed them and take them to the vets. During my toughest times, I fed those babies before I fed myself, and it gave me something to focus on and to care about when I felt empty.
From Lily, I got unconditional love and affection and thatโs pretty priceless. Countless studies will tell you the positive impact of animals on mental health and well-being and itโs something I wholeheartedly recommend if itโs something you are considering.
Time Doesnโt Heal Us
We heal ourselves over time. I still have days where I miss my loved ones, especially my mum and Iโve been known to talk out loud to no one wondering if they are there watching over me. But over time it does get easier, and you will learn to live on and thrive in their absence.
Know That Everyone Responds To Death Differently
There is no โright wayโ to grieve. Some people will cry constantly, some will go on autopilot, some turn to vices like alcohol or drugs to cope, some will want to talk about it, and others wonโt. We all have our ways of responding to the loss of a loved one, and no one is right or wrong. I realized this because I responded to every single death of a family member differently. Take the pressure off yourself and grieve in your way. Itโs ok.
I also realized over time that the people around us all respond to our news and our grief differently, too. Some loved ones will be right there providing cups of tea and a shoulder to cry on, while others may distance themselves because they just have no idea what to say or do, and for their reasons, just cannot handle death. Losing loved ones is a black cloud over our heads and a hole in our hearts that impacts those around us, too – but we are not a burden in our hardest times, and I wish I had reached out more often when I was struggling. Let your loved ones be there for you.
Learn To Forgive, Let Go & Donโt Harbour Feelings Of Guilt
Finding forgiveness and living with guilt will eat you up inside. Trust me, I know. So find the strength to forgive them for leaving, and forgive yourself for carrying on with your life and learning to live without them. Itโs ok to let them go. They will live on in your memories and your heart forever.
How do I cope with the overwhelming emotions after losing a loved one?
Embrace the emotions, seek support, and give yourself time to heal. Remember, it’s okay to grieve deeply, and there is no wrong or right way to mourn someone you loved.
What are some healthy ways to grieve and honour the memory of the departed?
Find comfort in rituals, create memorials, or start a journal to express your feelings.
How can I support others who are also mourning the loss?
Offer compassion, lend a listening ear, or share fond memories to show you care.
What should I do if I am overseas when a loved one dies?
If you’re overseas when a loved one dies, reach out to your country’s embassy or consulate for assistance. Notify your family back home and consider returning if possible. Seek support from friends or fellow travelers to help you during this challenging time.
Are there ways to honour my loved one if I’m far away from home?
Of course! Even from afar, you can honor your loved one by creating an online memorial, lighting a virtual candle, or planting a tree in their name. Dedicate a special moment or perform an act of kindness in their memory.
Also connect with friends and family virtually to share stories and commemorate their life. Distance doesn’t diminish your ability to cherish their memory and pay tribute to their legacy. If it is a close family member you may also be able to get a discounted flight back home if you wish to return for the funeral.
Is it normal to experience different stages of grief?
Yes, grief varies, and everyone processes it differently. Healing takes time; there’s no set timeline.
How can I take care of myself and prioritize self-care while grieving?
Prioritize simple self-care activities that you can do at home and outdoors, depending on how you are feeling. At home, focus on the basics like showers or baths, your teeth, and skincare. You could also try activities like journaling and meditation to help you process your emotions and navigate your grief. Als,o get outside and go for walks in nature or by water; anywhere that will help you feel calm and able to reflect peacefully.
What can I do to preserve the legacy and keep the memories of my loved one alive?
Share stories, create keepsakes, look at old photographs, and store them safely or establish some kind of tribute in their honour.
How do I handle significant dates, anniversaries, and holidays after the loss?
Plan ahead for those days, celebrate their life, and remember its ok to feel sad. If you struggle on particular dates let people know how best to support you. What matters most is that you do whatever helps you get through these days while honouring the loved one you lost.
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Gemma Lawrence is the creator of This Brits Life. Born and raised in England, she has been living in British Columbia, Canada as a permanent resident since 2016. A solo traveler for the past 9 years, she hopes to inspire and help others to enjoy solo adventures too. As someone who has always struggled with her self-confidence and mental health, she also shares tips and inspirational stories relating to self-love, self-care, and mental health.
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